so things got really bad and now my moms reading the qur'an out loud....and i cant help but think about what good that will do you know? I cant help but think how she can follow something that hasnt done her any good either.
because i cant help but feel empty when i try and pray.
i mean truly....id love to believe....i actually really would. but its just that i cant.....i cant do it anymore.....i cant help but sit there after prayer and think about how ridiculous it is to sit here and pray to god about my problems.
ive tried it so many times....tried to turn to islam and god....and i always end up in the same position throwing my faith away....
it never does me any good anymore to try it....but i always end up wanting to....and i dont know why. idk its just theres so much ive been through and most of it is just so horrible
i just feel like i shouldnt be living a life that involves me trying to hold back tears every night thinking about what i did wrong today or why i had to live this life....
even when something goes wrong at my house people automatically say WHAT DID YOU DO NOW FATIMA.....it fuckin hurts .....it hurts to know im always the one that fucks up in the end....and all i can do is sit there and take the criticism and how its not right in islam to do this and that and all that bs....sit there and take all the lectures from the family of what i did wrong. and why its my fault.
ughhh theres just so much shit i cant take anymore.
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