Where will you be?

its been too long
so much has happened.

I work too much....i think all the help i get financialy might be coming to an end with me making this much money (8 an hour lol....my paychecks are miserable....but not miserable enough for the government i guess)

OH WELL

fuck the government...

Cafe much?

so its been officially a week since ive been working at Barnes and Noble. Its not too shabby. i like working with all the people there, theyre really chill and easy going. sumtimes i zone when theyre trying to teach me shit but, i figure it out later on anyways so thats not so bad either. i still have to look at the sheet for a few drinks but other than that i think im set. i just need to get working on being efficient and master the art of Multi-tasking lol.

i got my first paycheck and everything and apparantly it was supposed to be a big deal but i guess no one remembered to give a shit. but its normal. im used to that ;). sumtimes its a good thing and sumtimes.....i could care less.

oohhh i have work in the morning too. im out.

Dreamworld

I feel like a revitalized person. I havent been home in god knows how long. ive been at the aunts house for quite some time. Life seems adequate. i guess if it werent for mental breakdowns the euphoric points in life wouldnt be so....well....euphoric.

There was this piece of skin that was cut off on the side of my thumb. i decided to peel it off and its been stinging for days.

I wish there was something more to life sometimes. I know there is. but i wish there was something more to my life.

I keep dreaming of places high up where the clouds seem like cottonballs that could be held in the palm of my hand. I wander for a while then i plummet. Plunging down through the mackeral sky. Falling to nothing but water and a pebbly shore. The waves grow and grow and the eventually consume me whole along with the enitre waterfront. Falling through a beautiful sky. Swallowed by the uncharted sea. Wonder what all these dreams mean in the end

Amalgamation

I cant help but look at this picture and hope to dream about this place when i fall asleep, because it seems as if this place can only be found on that plane of existance. The picture has this neverending quality of it where the sky and land meet but go on forever into the distance even though they seem so different. So much to say. so little time.

I hope to visit this place soon.

BLAB!

I subscribed to Juxtapoz finally but i want to subscribe to GiantRobot now
BUT IM BROKE!
who wants to give me 25 bucks?
anyone?.........anyone?..........anyone?

bueller?..... bueller?


goodnight.

Typical

*sigh*

im 18 and i have no clue what goes on in the outside world. I want to go....i want to leave this place and get my credits...transfer and just go. I want to be free of the family burden.

typical sheltered teen rant huh?

fuck.

Escaped Convict(ion) mail.

i just got it in the mail. numbered and signed by the one and only
im numero 58. it was like 40 bucks but its worth it trust me. I didnt get any presents for my birthday
so i bought it for myself. with sum money i got from my mom and grandma.

i think its quite a nice present to myself.

my mom doesnt tho ;)

surprise surprise

Pointless Verses

Ive noticed that all my high school relationships were time wasters. I never really Liked any of them. and when things came to an end i never really cared. Its really pointless in the end. Its not that i regret any of my actions. its just that i really could have cared less then and now. so this blod is all about pointlessness and what a large role it plays in evryones life. I mean we all do something pointless in our lives at some point.

Im just so glad im alone right now. I like being alone. You dont have shit to worry about. I remember when i never liked being single. It was like hell to not be with someone. Everyone goes through that stupid shit right? cuz i know im human enough for that. I mean dont get me wrong, having someone there for you that cares for you in more ways than one is a nice thing to have. but im good. I used to think about getting married...?!?! yeah it was that bad. Now im just like What The FUCK was i thinking about that for in HIGH SCHOOL. its like maybe after college....maybe....right now im good with chillin by myself or with sum cousins and a few good friends. My contacts are limited because i keep it that way. Having a few people that you actually chill with is better than having 200 acquaintances that you talk to because you have nothing better to do.

I love meeting new people. But very few people cross that line from acqaintance to friend. Im just sitting here waiting for my new life in the bay. Im going to miss the cozyness of home. cuz u know theres no place like it. but everyone leaves their comfort zone at one point in their life.

I think its time for me to create a new comfort zone.

Noor-TV and Art Lessons.

Well it looks like I'll be interning (volunteering) at the Noor-TV station on Fridays from now on. My sister started this friday too. So ill just see what i can do to help them. I actually like hangin out over there, I mean id rather be there than sit at home and do nothing. It'll be a cool learning experience.

Oh and i have to give art lessons to my friends little sister. They said theyd pay me even though i could care less about being paid. ill just blow it on art supplies once again ( i do that too much ) but whatever they wanna do i guess...thing is, yeah i know how to draw and paint and shit, but teaching is a whole different thing. I mean i could show her how i do that stuff. but yeah...its weird. whatever ill just figure somethin out.

She wants to do it twice a week but i have classes and now the noor-tv thing so i can only do it on thursdays if anything at all. tuesdays i do hella hw for anthropology and fuckin math. So im gonna have to tell her that i can only do it once a week. LOL she told me she wants to do it twice a week because she has nothing else to do.....poor kid.

whatever im in zombie mode and i need some sleep

im out.

Cigarettes and Strip Joints

Well today is that day i become legal.

i feel the same. just a little richer....well here i go "throwing it away" on art supplies.

Mwhahahah....its evil....i know.

Bur surprisingly a lot of people remembered my birthday today. Im takin aback at how many but none of my friends got me a damn thing. not a DAMN THING. i got a OH HEY its your 18th!! have a good one!!....and they walk away. this friend tht i always by drinks and food for didnt get me anything either...and i consider her my best friend, and when she turned 18 i got her a nice little girly present cuz shes girly and all....but nope...dont give anything to Fatima. Shes not human

I know im used to not getting presents but once in a while it would be nice to see someone who cared about me enough to get me SUMTHIN...it doesnt even have to be anything good....but whutev.

lol and all my birthday wishes....well like 98%....were wished on myspace or facebook. Thank youuuu internet. :/

and goodnight.

No God but God huh?

so things got really bad and now my moms reading the qur'an out loud....and i cant help but think about what good that will do you know? I cant help but think how she can follow something that hasnt done her any good either.

because i cant help but feel empty when i try and pray.
i mean truly....id love to believe....i actually really would. but its just that i cant.....i cant do it anymore.....i cant help but sit there after prayer and think about how ridiculous it is to sit here and pray to god about my problems.

ive tried it so many times....tried to turn to islam and god....and i always end up in the same position throwing my faith away....

it never does me any good anymore to try it....but i always end up wanting to....and i dont know why. idk its just theres so much ive been through and most of it is just so horrible

i just feel like i shouldnt be living a life that involves me trying to hold back tears every night thinking about what i did wrong today or why i had to live this life....

even when something goes wrong at my house people automatically say WHAT DID YOU DO NOW FATIMA.....it fuckin hurts .....it hurts to know im always the one that fucks up in the end....and all i can do is sit there and take the criticism and how its not right in islam to do this and that and all that bs....sit there and take all the lectures from the family of what i did wrong. and why its my fault.

ughhh theres just so much shit i cant take anymore.

The Sound

Hearing her voice makes me want to destroy everything that see in my path. Hearing her cry makes it worse. i just want her to SHUT IT sometimes. Her incessant babbling of how crappy of a daughter I am builds up and one of these days im going to go schizo or something extreme because i cant take it anymore.

I know you wish i died instead of my dad. Ive heard it and felt your hate towards me many times. You call it love but all i feel is the coldness of your words when they strike my ears.

i think the only reason why i keep my sanity is for the sake of my sister. otherwise i think id be completely beyond repair. but maybe i aready am. because crazy people dont know they're crazy.

but im questioning it so i still have a little sanity left in me i guess.

Theres so many things id like to say to her and yet i dont want to even look at her. I hate how the past 5 years of my life have been the entire opposite of what it was supposed to be. Everything went wrong. i would ask why, but who would i ask? is there any point to knowing why in the end? would it even matter....

There are some days where I feel like telling her that im glad shes all alone now. Then it just makes me want to tear myself apart in frustration because i said something so cold and so low. i could never be that low. but i always feel it.

I just want to be whole again. to feel it and be it.

it sucks how life will just drag on like this....it doesnt look like things will get any better anytime soon.

i listen to music loud enough to drown out her voice and to hurt my ears enough to not be able to hear anything for a while. id rather not hear at all than to listen to her talking sometimes.

Vomit.

i dont think ive had such an intense knot in my throat as i did today. I can honestly say that i went insane today. I couldnt hold back my anger and my hate towards....it....but i didnt know how to let it all out. It was too intense and i hated the feeling of having to vomit all of your anger and frustration but not know how to let it go. i think by far thats the worst feeling ive ever had throughout my entire life. It was the first time i wanted to tell my sister to not leave me in that forsaken hell hole. to take me with her. and leave everything behind. I told her how lucky she was to live on campus at such a far away college.

right now im at the studio and they're filming one of the shows for tuesday. i guess ill just come here on fridays because im not gonna spend fridays at the fuckin house. that would be suicidal. seriously. it would.

She makes me think about it a lot.

but im not weak. I just have too much time to think.

On my mind.

My favorite piece from Jason Chan (acadamy of art graduate......pshhh rich)

thought id share it with......myself? yeah...

still caught up on nt being able to go to the show. No i havent gotten over it and No i wont get over it anytime soon. Itll be later than sooner on this one.

2nd day if fasting has started.....only...28 more days to go after this one.
i almost died yesterday but w/e.

FUCK

ok obviously no one understands how big of a thing this is for me.
no one gets how important this is at all. My life is art. and no one gets it.

"you can go next time"
"youll always have another chance"

yeah maybe....maybe not

and even if i did have another chance to go to a venue like this
it wouldnt be the same.

i didnt get to finish staying at the day event so the least she could do was let me check out the night event. i dont even have class tomorrow. nothing is going on in the morning tomorrow for me is there? NO. so why not let me go. freinds will be there. downtown may be a creepy place but hey, i dont give a shit when it comes to things like this.

no one understands the significance of this event.

the knot in my throat has rejoined me....just when i thought i got rid of it.

Juxtapoz Venue Downtown Sac

I can honestly say that today was the best and worst day of my....month.

So im looking forward to see Saber at FTC in downtown sac today and i dont wanna go alone so i call my friend but he doesnt pick up and then i talk to my other friend on aim and he says hell go because we have to write a paper on something like this for our design class anyway. so i (my mom drives i dont....only if its night time and we have to go to or come back from the bay area because she cant drive at nights so she falls asleep and i floor it ;) ) anywho we pick him up and we go to downtown.

the place is open and its supposed to start around 3 so we walk around a bit then about 3 30 we walk back and Saber and the rest of them are there and they've started painting, so we go inside and im excited off my ass. I have all of the patience in the world to watch these guys paint for however long they want. So im content standing where i am since im smack dab in the middle.

Since im fasting today and the place was really small, i decided to go out and take a breather for a moment to clear my head from alcoholic/smoke/paint induced fumes. more smoke than anything else. And my friend thinks im ready to go home and im like....umm...they just started im not going anywhere....he starts to complain and im like fuck it i dont wanna hear this complaint so im forced to go home.

BULLSHIT

The only time some artists i actually admire come to the middle of fucking nowhere downtown sac, this kid has no patience to watch them do what they do best. Im fatigued because of fasting and so is he but hey....this is like once in a while chance to see these guys have a live painting venue, yeah i can go see their galleries in sf but wouldnt want to see them in action instead of just a finished product once in a while?

Idk....they werent even halfway done and i had to be dragged from the scene because someone didnt have enough patience. I got really pissed when i got home but my other friend called me and apologized cuz he couldnt find his phone so that me feel a little better than all the acrap that didnt go right today. at least he called me back you know, and told me why he didnt show.

other than all the shit the went wrong, im glad i at least got to see Saber and them in action. it made my day and hopefully ill get to see more of them soon. Hopefully if i can find a ride to R street and Camille can accompany me to the night show. I know theyr probly pissed since most of the ppl were like under 21 and hardly anybody was buying anything but w/e honestly if ur ALL about the money and nothing else then w/e. Thats just sad.

i need to eat....1 hour left.....lol so much for fasting since i was around smoke and booze all day. w/e its not like i purposely went there for that reason and that reason only.

im out.

Anthropolgy to Saber and Pardee

The weird thing about having an exam in cultural anthropology and having to write basically an essay for each answer.....is that im not bothered by it. This is the only class i will go into half zombied out and come out more alive than dead. Its weird because no one likes a lecture class right? but anthro is actually kind of sparking an interest for me. Cultural more than Physical...idk if they go together (they most likely do) but yeah im not so much into the physical anthropology, im thinking of taking psych. I guess this is what happens when your a freshman in collee....theres so many things out there for you, you cant really stick to one thing. Hopefully East Bay state is the place for me to transfer. Im in the middle of everything and everywhere so hopefully ill have a car by the time i transfer and therefore ill be able to go to events and galleries that i want to attend, rather than having very little hope sitting in sacramento waiting for some artist i know to come along (ALEX PARDEE and SABER etc.) and then after that having less hope that my mom would let me go anyway.

So speaking of Saber, hes coming with a couple other artist (i forgot who >_<) unfortunately the favored one (Pardee) isnt coming to sactown but he'll be in San Jose....which is totally out of my league of transportation and money. Yeah total loss for me i know...but hopefully there will be another event like this or he opens up a new gallery that i will be able to attend in the future. I found out about him in Virginia and now that i live here its like hes so close its ridiculous that i cant go see at least one of his events or galleries.

Anywho, id like for someone to donate 25 bucks to me so i can subscribe to juxtapoz magazine....i mean i looked at it before but now that i actually read it since they featured Pardee theres some really good shit in there....shit meaning very cool artists that i would love to see in action or in galleries....so maybe i shouldnt use shit but its too late now.

I heard about Sylvia Ji...? i think thats how you spell her name....and how she was only like one of a few other people (including Saber!) that had a solo show in White Walls. that was really cool. i wish i could have seen that exhibit. hopefully soon when i get better and develop my own style I definitely want to see if i can do the same as her....i know i wont graduate from a fancy art school like she did but i have the mentality and i know soon ill have more of the skills i need to pursue it.

Wish me some fuckin luck huh?

cuz i have never attended a gallery in my life. but according to my age i guess thats not so surprising.

Tamayto Tamahto

i wonder where i will end up going to school, because i know that not going to school isnt an option. I wonder where i will end up in life. I wonder what i will be doing for the rest of it. I wonder if ill just be wondering for the rest of my life.

I just want to go paint. But who wants to go buy such expensive luxuries nowadays.

this brings me back to :

i need a goddam job

First

I suppose there are times when drawing will either keep you sane or make u lose it.

I've come to know that it definitly goes both ways. Theres times when life blurs by but when you sit at home all day thinking of where to sit next....it kind of offsets everything.

Moving from the kitchen to the living room (a 15 ft. distance) isnt all that exciting. Specially since the only reason i go to the kitchen is because thats the only internet hotspot in my house. No, i dont pay for internet, Yes i do leech off of other peoples internet. mooching is being nice to the ppl and using them but i leech. i use them and keep their souls.

but they dont know that...yet.

uh oh everythings spinning time to go.