Escaped Convict(ion) mail.

i just got it in the mail. numbered and signed by the one and only
im numero 58. it was like 40 bucks but its worth it trust me. I didnt get any presents for my birthday
so i bought it for myself. with sum money i got from my mom and grandma.

i think its quite a nice present to myself.

my mom doesnt tho ;)

surprise surprise

Pointless Verses

Ive noticed that all my high school relationships were time wasters. I never really Liked any of them. and when things came to an end i never really cared. Its really pointless in the end. Its not that i regret any of my actions. its just that i really could have cared less then and now. so this blod is all about pointlessness and what a large role it plays in evryones life. I mean we all do something pointless in our lives at some point.

Im just so glad im alone right now. I like being alone. You dont have shit to worry about. I remember when i never liked being single. It was like hell to not be with someone. Everyone goes through that stupid shit right? cuz i know im human enough for that. I mean dont get me wrong, having someone there for you that cares for you in more ways than one is a nice thing to have. but im good. I used to think about getting married...?!?! yeah it was that bad. Now im just like What The FUCK was i thinking about that for in HIGH SCHOOL. its like maybe after college....maybe....right now im good with chillin by myself or with sum cousins and a few good friends. My contacts are limited because i keep it that way. Having a few people that you actually chill with is better than having 200 acquaintances that you talk to because you have nothing better to do.

I love meeting new people. But very few people cross that line from acqaintance to friend. Im just sitting here waiting for my new life in the bay. Im going to miss the cozyness of home. cuz u know theres no place like it. but everyone leaves their comfort zone at one point in their life.

I think its time for me to create a new comfort zone.

Noor-TV and Art Lessons.

Well it looks like I'll be interning (volunteering) at the Noor-TV station on Fridays from now on. My sister started this friday too. So ill just see what i can do to help them. I actually like hangin out over there, I mean id rather be there than sit at home and do nothing. It'll be a cool learning experience.

Oh and i have to give art lessons to my friends little sister. They said theyd pay me even though i could care less about being paid. ill just blow it on art supplies once again ( i do that too much ) but whatever they wanna do i guess...thing is, yeah i know how to draw and paint and shit, but teaching is a whole different thing. I mean i could show her how i do that stuff. but yeah...its weird. whatever ill just figure somethin out.

She wants to do it twice a week but i have classes and now the noor-tv thing so i can only do it on thursdays if anything at all. tuesdays i do hella hw for anthropology and fuckin math. So im gonna have to tell her that i can only do it once a week. LOL she told me she wants to do it twice a week because she has nothing else to do.....poor kid.

whatever im in zombie mode and i need some sleep

im out.

Cigarettes and Strip Joints

Well today is that day i become legal.

i feel the same. just a little richer....well here i go "throwing it away" on art supplies.

Mwhahahah....its evil....i know.

Bur surprisingly a lot of people remembered my birthday today. Im takin aback at how many but none of my friends got me a damn thing. not a DAMN THING. i got a OH HEY its your 18th!! have a good one!!....and they walk away. this friend tht i always by drinks and food for didnt get me anything either...and i consider her my best friend, and when she turned 18 i got her a nice little girly present cuz shes girly and all....but nope...dont give anything to Fatima. Shes not human

I know im used to not getting presents but once in a while it would be nice to see someone who cared about me enough to get me SUMTHIN...it doesnt even have to be anything good....but whutev.

lol and all my birthday wishes....well like 98%....were wished on myspace or facebook. Thank youuuu internet. :/

and goodnight.

No God but God huh?

so things got really bad and now my moms reading the qur'an out loud....and i cant help but think about what good that will do you know? I cant help but think how she can follow something that hasnt done her any good either.

because i cant help but feel empty when i try and pray.
i mean truly....id love to believe....i actually really would. but its just that i cant.....i cant do it anymore.....i cant help but sit there after prayer and think about how ridiculous it is to sit here and pray to god about my problems.

ive tried it so many times....tried to turn to islam and god....and i always end up in the same position throwing my faith away....

it never does me any good anymore to try it....but i always end up wanting to....and i dont know why. idk its just theres so much ive been through and most of it is just so horrible

i just feel like i shouldnt be living a life that involves me trying to hold back tears every night thinking about what i did wrong today or why i had to live this life....

even when something goes wrong at my house people automatically say WHAT DID YOU DO NOW FATIMA.....it fuckin hurts .....it hurts to know im always the one that fucks up in the end....and all i can do is sit there and take the criticism and how its not right in islam to do this and that and all that bs....sit there and take all the lectures from the family of what i did wrong. and why its my fault.

ughhh theres just so much shit i cant take anymore.

The Sound

Hearing her voice makes me want to destroy everything that see in my path. Hearing her cry makes it worse. i just want her to SHUT IT sometimes. Her incessant babbling of how crappy of a daughter I am builds up and one of these days im going to go schizo or something extreme because i cant take it anymore.

I know you wish i died instead of my dad. Ive heard it and felt your hate towards me many times. You call it love but all i feel is the coldness of your words when they strike my ears.

i think the only reason why i keep my sanity is for the sake of my sister. otherwise i think id be completely beyond repair. but maybe i aready am. because crazy people dont know they're crazy.

but im questioning it so i still have a little sanity left in me i guess.

Theres so many things id like to say to her and yet i dont want to even look at her. I hate how the past 5 years of my life have been the entire opposite of what it was supposed to be. Everything went wrong. i would ask why, but who would i ask? is there any point to knowing why in the end? would it even matter....

There are some days where I feel like telling her that im glad shes all alone now. Then it just makes me want to tear myself apart in frustration because i said something so cold and so low. i could never be that low. but i always feel it.

I just want to be whole again. to feel it and be it.

it sucks how life will just drag on like this....it doesnt look like things will get any better anytime soon.

i listen to music loud enough to drown out her voice and to hurt my ears enough to not be able to hear anything for a while. id rather not hear at all than to listen to her talking sometimes.

Vomit.

i dont think ive had such an intense knot in my throat as i did today. I can honestly say that i went insane today. I couldnt hold back my anger and my hate towards....it....but i didnt know how to let it all out. It was too intense and i hated the feeling of having to vomit all of your anger and frustration but not know how to let it go. i think by far thats the worst feeling ive ever had throughout my entire life. It was the first time i wanted to tell my sister to not leave me in that forsaken hell hole. to take me with her. and leave everything behind. I told her how lucky she was to live on campus at such a far away college.

right now im at the studio and they're filming one of the shows for tuesday. i guess ill just come here on fridays because im not gonna spend fridays at the fuckin house. that would be suicidal. seriously. it would.

She makes me think about it a lot.

but im not weak. I just have too much time to think.